Have you ever wanted to instantly get onto someone else's wave length? How is it that you can spend time with a person and despite knowing that you have similarities or common ground, you just don't click with them? And yet someone else you've never met before in your life, could be as easy to chat to as your long lost best friend. Of course, there are also those who could talk to you for hours, when all you want to do is get away- but they seem to fail to pick up on the signal!
The answer to these mysteries is rapport. Studies of how people communicate in congruence with each other tell us that 55% of our communication is done so via our physiology (what we are doing with our bodies) 38% is via our voice tonality and only 7% of our communication is done so through our words.
Whist this is generally well known, what people fail to understand is how to utilise that information. Many have studied body language and draw certain conclusions from that. For example, I've heard it said that those who fold their arms are being defensive- but what if they just have belly ache? Due to the fact that we are all different and each an individual, should we not instead be calibrating on the physiology that is displayed to us? For example, if someone has their arms folded when they are in a particular state (e.g. confusion) when they next fold their arms we can conclude that they are returning to that same state.
So how can we properly utilise this enormous 55% of physiology in a way that will effectively influence our rapport with others. In NLP we use a skill called Matching and Mirroring. Basically this means that you make subtle changes in what you are doing with your body so that you gently and gracefully take on the same posture, gestures and expressions as the person you are communication with. This is a very easy and a very descrete skill to use- one of the most powerful ways of getting into rapport with another using your physiology is to pace your breathing with the person you are communicating with. If you can get the physiology part right then you're already 55% of the way to being completely on that person's wavelength.
Now what if you are on the phone and are unable to get good rapport using physiology? Well tonality is the next most successful way. So is the person speaking high, low, fast, slow, loudly, or softly? In order to match and mirror using your voice tonality you must use your voice in a similar way to the person you are communicating- but never try to match someone's accent you'll never be able to do it! We know that words are responsible for 7% of the communication so you can also begin to match the content that is being discussed, or use the same particular words or phrases as the person you are talking to.
Now what about when you've got rapport and want to break it? Just do the opposite of what it says above!
Gemma Bailey is qualified hypnotherapist and NLP Master Practitioner. She is based in Hemel Hempstead, Hertfordshire and has helped many clients and patients throughout South East England. For more information on Hypnotherapy, NLP therapies and Life coaching, visit http://www.gemmabailey.co.uk
