Have you ever told yourself that to be truly happy, you need to be rich, famous, date a film star and live in a mansion?
Absolute rubbish!
Not all of us can be ? or even want to be ? famous and wealthy. Yet these are some of the things we're constantly being told we need to be in order to live a happy life.
When put under the microscope, it just doesn't make sense.
Are we saying that people who are celebrity multi-millionaires are happier than those who are not? Are taller, slimmer, blonder, better-educated people living more ecstatically blissful lives than people who are none of these things?
This tired old 'better for them and worse for us' situation doesn't hold up to deep scrutiny. It goes without saying that there are billions of fairly well-adjusted people who are anonymous, average-wage earning, overweight, less educated souls living happy lives without fitting such a narrow criteria.
Of course, if you are successful, rich, famous, leggy, intelligent and flaxen-haired, living in a palatial mansion with your award-winning spouse, you can be happy too. Extremely happy. You'll obviously have more options than most. You will not have to worry as much about tight finances, keeping a roof over your head, eating well, hospital waiting lists, finding a good school for your children or providing for yourself in later life.
It's perfectly natural for people to want to improve themselves, to manage their weight, to provide more comforts for themselves and their family, to have fun, to discover new things and to enjoy new experiences. What's unnatural is to live someone else's dreams, particularly in relationships.
Case Study
Fatima got married to Moses, who was a big fan of a certain pop singer. When they met, he owned all of this singer's CDs. His bedroom was a shrine to this celebrity. The wall was literally covered with posters of this singing sensation.
When they met, Moses immediately asked Fatima to marry him, largely due to the fact that Fatima looked so much like his idol. Fatima was at first flattered at being compared to a celebrity. She indulged her then boyfriend by restyling her hair and changing her wardrobe.
She did this for a whole year before they tied the knot. The wedding guests were amused to listen to a medley of the singer's greatest hits played back-to-back during the reception. 'Oh, that's Moses and his fantasy woman again!' was a typical comment.
The cracks in this relationship appeared a month into the marriage. The singer radically changed her image as part of a quest to 're-invent' herself and find success acting in movies.
The process involved shaving her head and beefing up at the gym for a starring role in an action adventure flick. Moses pestered Fatima to transform herself as soon as he heard the news. He offered bribes and other inducements, but Fatima stood firm. Even the subtle threat of divorce didn't shake her will.
Three months later and four months pregnant, Fatima decided to leave home. It took Moses six weeks to realise that his marriage was more important than his schoolboy crush on a fantasy figure and another couple of months before Fatima agreed to return to him.
We can learn a lot from Fatima.
If you are someone who is always suggesting ways in which your partner should improve, you need to be brutally honest with yourself first. Don't forget what is said about people who live in glass houses!
While you have every right to ask your partner a question or make a recommendation, by the same token, your partner has the right not to answer that question (especially if its intention is to humiliate) and the right to tell you to take your suggestion where the sun doesn't shine!
Fighting talk, I know, but necessary.
The point of this chapter is to help you avoid making yourself miserable over somebody else's idea of what you should look like, sound like, act like or how you should think. You need to take responsibility for your life and your relationship.
I'll repeat that last point:
You need to take responsibility for your relationship.
It's very tempting to bury your head in the sand or go on the defensive when a partner suggests you do something that you do not like. Don't become a victim.
People often do nasty things. They lie, they cheat, they steal. They are rude, unbearable and obnoxious. However, the problem is not with what other people say or how they say it, or even with what they do. You have very little control over other people's speech or actions, but you do have ultimate control over your own.
Time for a clichéº 'Don't hate the player, hate the game!'
If you stay in a relationship after your partner has done something you really object to, you have exercised your choice. You have to take 50% of the blame for the state of your relationship from that point on.
Take responsibility and take control!
