The squirrel chattered loudly from his position on a high spruce branch. Then he made a mad dash down the branch, a mighty jump to the deck, across the deck and up into the bird feeder. He carefully placed a small mushroom and zoom, retraced his steps into the tree again. Back and forth, in and out, up and down the squirrel went. The bird feeder was being filled with mushrooms, spruce cones, and gobs of lichen. It looked like great fun, but I was guessing that this was stressful work that needed to be done before winter hit.
In the foray of busy, hurry, got-a-go-quicker-to-get-more-done activity, totally consumed by the work, unaware of anything else going on, neither the squirrel nor I noticed Flag, the cat – until it was too late.
Sorry folks. It did not go well for the squirrel.
You may be thinking, “That’s cruel, Dan. Why are you telling us that?”
Or you may say, “Hey, that’s nature’s way. It’s a game of predator and prey.”
Either way, it is very similar to what goes on in the game of life, as we “humans” play it.
Do you ever have the experience of being really busy in your life, where you and your spouse or partner are going separate directions at different times, and you may not see much of each other for days at a time? In the busy-ness of life, your communication with each other may be notes on the table or phone calls such as:
• “I haven’t got time to talk. Could you please open the XYZ Association file and give me Joe’s phone number?”
• “I know we planned to be together on Saturday afternoon, but something has come up.”
• “Uhhmm, that date we booked for the two of us tonight? We need to cancel that. I’ve got too much work to do.”
Sound familiar?
Through analyzing our past behaviours, coaching couples, watching friends, and family, it seems that this happens a lot. Usually, people are so caught up in their squirrel-like activities, focused on their own “stuff” that they are unaware of the unspoken messages that are hollered by their actions – actions such as being rude, abrupt, sarcastic, breaking agreements, and ignoring. I don’t believe that we do these things intentionally, and yet the underlying message, “everything else is more important than my relationship with you” may be loud and clear.
Then we are totally surprised, may feel blindsided, when our husband, wife, or partner wants a divorce, has an affair, or admits that he/she just doesn’t love us anymore. Or one of our best friends, with whom we’ve broken agreements time and time again, doesn’t want to talk to us anymore. By then, severe damage has been done to the relationship, and it may be too late to reconcile the differences. The trust, romance, passion, and friendship may be gone. Ouch!
Years ago, Carol and I came so close to ending our relationship because of this “everything else is more important” attitude that we both had. It was confusing and not a lot of fun. We are now consciously aware of how this works and absolutely will not allow it to happen for us. And we sure don’t want it to happen for you either.
So………guess what folks? Here are more challenges for you, if you choose to accept.
1. Make time today, not tomorrow, to connect with someone you love and care for. Yeah, you may be busy, yet there is always time for a hug or a phone call to ask “How are things going for you today?” Then LISTEN and HEAR. It shows you care.
2. Consciously keep every single agreement you have made with yourself or others. If you absolutely cannot keep your agreement, consciously renegotiate a new agreement and keep that one. Continually renegotiating agreements is the same as not keeping one in the first place. You, and others, lose faith that you actually mean what you say.
3. Consciously act in ways that give positive, trustful, loving messages (spoken and unspoken). Think about your current choice of action and the possible consequences to the relationship.
4. There are no more challenges. Those first three are enough for now.
Like you, I will be consciously accepting these challenges in the coming months because it seems that I won’t be sleeping much in my own bed. No, I have not been demoted to sleeping with my canine friend, Tip. I have the opportunity to deliver keynotes and workshops to folks in many communities across Canada. While I am away, I know that my relationship with Carol grows deeper and richer, as we make time to communicate affectionately and effectively every day.
If you read my last two articles, “Chronic family melt-downs. Do you think that food can solve the problem?” and “Multiple Personality Disorder: I’ve Got It, Do You?”, you may be expecting me to offer you squash or zucchini for accepting these challenges.
Sorry folks, the squash and zucchini were caught in nature’s game of predator and prey.
Like Flag the cat, the deer are smiling.
Smile a big genuine smile, my friends! Not because you caught someone, but because you love someone.
Copyright© 2006
Dan Ohler is Thinkin’ Outside The Barn!
Dan writes and speaks internationally on relationships, happiness, and change. Through Dan’s insights & humour you learn to apply the basics of human psychology – the natural laws that create life-long flourishing relationships, and abounding success.
Visit http://www.ThinkinOutsideTheBarn.com for FREE how-you-can-do-it-too articles. You can see Dan in action, or order your copy of “Thinkin’ Outside The Barn And Steppin’ Into Fresh B.S.” while you’re there!
