Spare Your Kids To 7 Most Distressful Divorce Parenting
Situations
by Ruben Francia
What 7 most distressful situations to kids that divorced
parents should avoid? Learn them to spare your kids from
the painful consequences.
1. Carrying Message Between Parents
A child doesn't like the feeling that he or she must act as
a messenger between hostile parents or carry one adult's
secrets or accusations about another. Children want parents
to talk with each other so that the messages are
communicated the right way and so that children don't feel
like they are going to mess up.
Parents must take the responsibility to talk directly with
each other, especially if the topic is likely to anger the
other parent. It is unfair to make your child carry messages
to your "ex" because you find it too awkward or aggravating
to do so yourself. It is also poor parenting to show by
example to your child that you can resolve a problem with
another person by not communicating or to suggest to a child
that the other parent is such a monster that you cannot
speak or be civil with each other.
Wherever possible, communicate directly with the other
parent about matters relevant to the children, such as
scheduling, visitation, health habits, or school problems.
2. Getting Involve With Money Issues
Avoid arguing and discussing child support issues in front
of the children. How would you feel if you are that child
hearing mom and dad arguing about your financial support?
Most children upon hearing these things feel that their
existence is some kind of parent's burden.
Who will pay for what and how available money should be
spent are adult issues that the parents must discuss
directly. Do not put your children in the middle of your
child support disputes.
3. Hearing Criticisms Of The Other Parent
It hurts a child very much to hear one loved parent
criticize the other loved parent. Children see themselves as
half of each parent. When children hear bad things about one
parent, they hear bad things about half of themselves. If
they hear bad things about both their parents, they feel
that both halves of them must be of little worth.
Even if you are sure you're right, try to avoid criticizing
the other parent around the kids, and try to find good
things to say, or don't say anything at all.
The following is a list of destructive remarks that you
should not make to your child. If you find yourself saying
words like these, stop and think about their impact on your
child.
+ You're lazy/stubborn/bad tempered, just like your
mother/father.
+ Your mother/father put you up to saying that.
+ Your dad/mom doesn't love any of us or he/she wouldn't
have left us.
+ You can't trust her/him.
+ He/she was just no good.
+ If she/he loved you, she/he would send your support checks
on time.
+ Someday you'll leave me too, just like your
father/mother.
All of these remarks raise fear and anxiety in children.
4. Quizzing Children About The Other Parent
Do not make your children a spy in the other parent's home.
It is very difficult for a child of divorced parents to cope
with feeling "caught in the middle". If they want to tell
you about time spent with their other parent (and they
usually don't), listen closely and politely, and then stop.
If they don't volunteer any information, try simply, "Have a
good time? Good."
Encourage your children to love both parents. They must not
be burdened with having to align with one parent's anger
against the other.
5. Taking Sides
Your child wants to love both of his or her parents. Asking
your child to take your side in any situation regarding your
ex-spouse can create a tremendous amount of stress for your
child.
Avoid putting children in the position of having to take
sides. Allow your children to continue to love both parents
without being made to feel guilty or disloyal.
6. Dealing With Parent's Feeling
Complaining to your child about how lonely you are after the
separation makes a child feel guilty and sad and want to
"parent" you. It's not healthy for them to be consumed with
worry for their parents' ability to survive.
Let your child be a child. They need the freedom to be
children. It's easy, but wrong, to make your adolescent
child, or even your adult child, a confidant in dealing with
your recovery, your dating life, or your fears. Even if
children seem capable of handling these concerns without ill
effects, they rarely are.
7. Threatening To Cut Off Contact With The Children If The
Other Parent Doesn't Do Or Stop Doing Something
The kids hear these threats and fear more loss in their
lives. Such conduct hurts your kids and must not be
continued.
Recognize that for your child to have the best chance of
growing up to be a functional human male or female, he/she
will need both parents as role models and nurturers. This
means that there should be some pathway of getting through
to the child whatever good that parent has to offer.
Anything that puts a child in the middle of dispute is
unhealthy, and causes the most problems for divorcing
families. If parents don't work issues through, those issues
have a huge effect on their kids.
It can be hard to do, but parents can improve a situation by
recognizing their divorce is from each other, not the
children. Kids need to see that even though their parents
might not love each other, they are committed to staying
connected because of their responsibilities as parents. At
time, this may seem absolutely impossible, because the
parents can't tolerate the idea of being connected. Yet the
child needs both of them, psychologically if not in
reality.
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About the Author:
Ruben Francia is an author of an indispensable divorce
parenting guide ebook, entitled "101 Ways To Raise Your
'Divorced' Children To Success". Discover the ways to
raising healthy, happy and successful children even if
you're on divorced. Visit his web site at
http://www.101divorceparenting.com
