Rewriting Cat Psychology from Scratch
by Brian Quass
Ouch! Bad kitty! Oh, bad kitty cat!
Oh, there you are, reader. Meet Jinx, my sister-in-law's kitty cat.
But stay back: she's in one of her moods. Speaking of which, can you
tell me something? What is wrong with cats? You pet them for five
minutes, and suddenly, for no reason at all, they reach out and
scratch you! (It's like: purr, purr, purr, purr -- Scccccratch!) Is
it just the cats that I personally pet who are psychotic like this,
or is the whole feline tribe fundamentally flawed? Because if it's
the latter, it's a well-kept secret to judge by the sanitized
accounts we read of sweet little kitty cats in nursery rhymes and the
like: "Pussy cat, pussy cat, where have you been?" ("I've just been
to Alexandria, Virginia, to inexplicably scratch webmaster Brian,
that's where I've been! Do you have a problem with that?!")
Not that I'm a cat hater by temperament: I spent my entire childhood
surrounded by those furry enigmas, toward whom I've always
entertained feelings of the highest regard. Did Puss-n-Boots seem
lonely as she snoozed away in the middle of my unmade bed at 3:00 in
the afternoon? Never fear, yours truly would rush over and give that
sable overcoat of hers a gentle stroke, whereupon the already closed
eyes of the creature would close even tighter, as if in subconscious
ecstasy, as she tilted her head toward me as who should say, "Be so
good as to tickle me under my left ear now. There's a dear." But if
one wanted to leave with fond memories of such run-ins with the family
pet, you'd have to stop doting over her before her purring became
pronounced, or else OUCH! She'd scratch your hand in the very midst
of her apparent happiness.
Say what you will about dogs, they're generally consistent in their
level of regard. Not that Fido doesn't occasionally lash out
unexpectedly (an animal is an animal is an animal), but that's
certainly not their default option for responding to prolonged
attention (unlike some other family pets I know). Your greatest fear
when coddling a lap-bound doggy is merely that he or she will fall
asleep, thus forcing you to either continue your attentions
indefinitely, or to unceremoniously deposit the beast on the floor,
leaving you subject to a pang of conscience as the confused and
hang-dog animal slinks away (often eyeing you reproachfully over its
shoulder as it goes). Even when they do attack a nearby well-wisher,
there's usually a good explanation from the dog's point of view: no
doubt it was acting on a survival instinct, perhaps guarding an open
wound that you've unintentionally irritated or warding off a hand
that's provided a too-unexpected caress.
But heaven alone knows what cats are thinking when they lash out.
Isn't that right, Jinxy, you bad cat? That's right, my dear, I'm
talking to you!
Say, reader, if you can explain this phenomenon (of cat scratching, I
mean, not of me talking to Jinx), let me know, please? Now, excuse me
while I set kitty down, very easy like -- on account of she seems so
content now, I'm sure she's about to scratch me!
About the Author (webmaster bylines):
Brian Quass is webmaster and essayist at quass.com, featuring offbeat
social commentary for literate readers. Article titles include "One
Flu Shot over the Cuckoo's Nest," "Quoth the Raven: Never You Mind!"
and "Zombies in the Stairwell."
http://www.quass.com'Professor' Brian Quass
Alexandria, Virginia, January 2002
