The Top 10 Tips on Managing Conflict, Emotional Tension and
Anger

To be a safe and predictable person for those around you at work
and at home, it is essential that you are able to maintain your
composure when you feel like your 'buttons' are being pushed.
This strength will help you to achieve your goals in business as
well as your goals for your personal relationships.

1. Share negative emotions only in person or on the phone.
E-mails, answering machine messages, and notes are too
impersonal for the delicate nature of negative words. What feels
like a bomb on paper may feel like a feather when delivered in
person.

2. Pepper your responses with the phrase, "I understand".
This phrase will support your goals when the tension is high and
you need to find common ground to form compromises or agreements
with the other party.

3. Take notice when you feel threatened by what someone is
saying to you.
Resist the temptation to defend yourself or to "shut down" the
other person's communication. It will take this kind of
discipline to become an open, trusting communicator.

4. Practice making requests of others when you are angry.
It is often much more useful to make a request than to share
your anger. For example, if the babysitter is driving you crazy
by leaving dirty dishes in the sink, it is better to make a
request of them than to let your anger leak out in other ways
such as by becoming more distant.

5. Try repeating the exact words that someone is saying to you
when they are in a lot of emotional pain or when you disagree
with them completely.
This mirroring technique can keep both the speaker and the
listener 'centered' in a difficult conversation, especially when
the attitude of the person doing the mirroring is to gain
understanding of a different point of view.

6. Take responsibility for your feelings to avoid blaming
others.
Notice when 'blameshifting' begins to leak into your speech. "I
feel angry when you are twenty minutes late and you don't call
me" is much better than, "You make me so mad by being late."

7. Learn to listen to the two sides of the conflict that you are
in as if you were the mediator or the counselor.
If you can listen and respond in this way you will bring peace
and solutions to the conflict more quickly. For example, in
response to an employee's raise request, you might say, "On the
one hand I understand that you really need the raise, and on the
other hand I represent the company, whose funds are very scarce
at this time. Is there a way that I can work on your
compensation package that does not involve cash?" Here, the
mediator's point of view can look for the creative compromise
that takes into account the limits and the needs of both
parties.

8. Take a playful attitude towards developing the skill of
emotional self-control in high conflict situations.
You could view maintaining self-control in a tense, angry
converstion as an athletic feat. You could also view developing
this skill as similar to working out at the gym with weights -
the more that you use your self-control muscle the bigger it
will grow and the easier it will be to remain calm when tension
is great.

9. Wait a few days to cool down emotionally when a situation
makes you feel wild with intense feelings, such as rage.
As time passes, you will be able to be more objective about the
issues and to sort out the truth about the situation more
clearly.

10. Make a decision to speak with decorum whenever you are angry
or frustrated.
If you give yourself permission to blow up, people will not feel
safe around you. They will feel that you are not predictable and
will carry 'shields' when they are near you. The fear and walls
of others will not support your goals for success in
relationships or at work.


About the Author
This piece was written by Dr. Clare Albright, Clinical
Psychologist and Professional Coach. These 10 Tips are from,
"85 Secrets for Improving Your Communication Skills" by Dr.
Clare Albright, which can be downloaded for only $5.77 via
http://www.ImprovingYourCommunicationSkills.com.

_________________________________________________________________
Get your FREE download of MSN Explorer at http://explorer.msn.com