Count yourself lucky that if in the course of your marriage the two of you have never had an argument; never even had a disagreement. If you did you and your spouse handled it so magnificently that both of you should be teaching class somewhere; or at least have your own reality TV show (Why not? Everybody else does).
Then there are the rest of us. Arguing comes with the territory. You don't want it to last or be constant but the point is when two personalities are living under the same roof there is bound to be an occasional difference of opinion.
Except that arguing is never that detached or analytical. That may be the goal both parties are shooting for but coming up fast on the outside to take the lead is emotion. No matter how hard we try it's extremely difficult to keep it at arm's length.
But you still have to make the effort to do just that. And one way to help the cause is avoid the past history arguments. In particular the you always routine. That has away of taking a quiet flame and turning it into a roaring inferno.
For instance, you and your spouse are discussing spending habits. Namely you don't particularly like theirs and vice versa. Money is enough of a volatile issue without adding to it. But somewhere down the line your spouse makes a criticism that you do not feel stays within the boundaries of what you are currently talking about.
And then you let it fly. "You always say that." Detonation countdown starts in five four three...Because the chances have just increased dramatically that this disagreement is about to go to another level.
They tell you that you're wrong; they do not always say that. And since you went there well two can play that game. So they throw it right back in your face. Now there is no stopping the tidal wave of emotions that are building on both sides. You opened the door to past history here's some more for you. The argument goes from spending habits to whose relatives are the worst to alleged flirting indiscretions and when all else fails personal shortcomings.
Sure it does not necessarily have to follow that exact pattern but "you always" puts the other party on the defensive. Number one they do not see it that way and two what has that got to do with the business at hand?
There are better ways to argue and many couples live with the eternal hope that one day they may find them. But if you want to take a disagreement and turn it into world war eight few things work more effectively than labeling your spouse from what happened in the past.
