Finding that your cheating wife could be having an emotional affair with another man can be crushing. I hear often, "that I can handle her effing with another person. I think I can live with that". But, for her to give herself emotionally and love someone else, man, that is hard.
What can you particularlly do to improve the odds of saving your marriage? Frequently the shocked spouse responds with intense feelings and then pulls out all stops to win her back.
Become overbearing. Begs. Cajoles. Makes promises to change. Constantly confronts her. Sends flowers. Arranges for dates. complains to her family and friends. Stalks her by phone. Incessant enquiries about what shes doing, sometimes even hourly. He becomes completely overbearing.
It always fails.
Why? Well, the main reason is that she has found all the stimulation and exhilaration she feels to need in her newfound love life. At a deeper level this is confusing enough for the wandering husband or wandering wife. Any additional input will be overwhelming and she is subject to shutting down the marriage even further. Moreover, she is really looking for is someemotional stability, by being that solid centered core that will hold her firm when the wind of drama or that external excitement entices and blows her around.
If you barrage her with your neediness, then you are for certain NOT aiding your marriage in a key way that's needed duing this time. She is also liable to drive a deeper wedge between you by comparing between you and him. With your neediness dripping all over the place, you have no chance of coming out ahead. Sorry!
Here's a tactic that helps solve the quandary and gives you a greater chance of saving the marriage. It's called backing off! You need to learn how to disconnect. Stop agitating her. Slow down the pace. Be silent - most of the time. Stop making requests that could be viewed as breeching her personal space. Stop asking questions. Stop trying gain some assurance from her. Stop being a overall pain in the ass!
Remember, this romantic state usually fades... You need to possess the confidence that it will. You will need a boatload of patience though. This outside affair can and with the right components, will, run its course.
She needs the space. She needs some quiet time to truly discover herself and confront the emptiness within. There will be a voice within her that says, This will not last. Is this what she really wants? At some point I must return to reality. Where is this taking me? Is this the direction that I really want to go? Why am I so dependent on him? Why do I feel this empty pit in my stomach when I'm not with him? What does this say about me?
If she is mature enough, this is her chance to discover what TRUE love is. Don't get in her way. I know. I know. This is easier said than done. But, you must do it. It is vitally important that you learn to control yourself and keep a very low profile. It is at this point with the men I coach, where I teach them a skill called "charging neutral" to help "back off." Use that skill. This will take some effort. It most likely will demand that you get to know yourself better, that you gain more confidence in youself apart from what you may imagine she does with him, and that you build a strong foundation under yourself that can weather this storm.
This is your chance to grow to a new level. Oh, by the way. She will notice! And, she might like it. Your backing off does not mean that completely avoid with her. Quite the opposite. You want to keep touch with her, but make it stictly QUALITY contact. Try to ensure that it will be the kind of communication that does reward to you, and that confronts her with the reality of her decision. It could quite possibly work toward resolution for the marriage.
