It is easy to become stuck in our routines and automatic behaviors. While this is necessary is some ways, when it happens it has the effect numbing us and putting us out of touch with what's going on both in ourselves and our partners. We don't truly hear what they are trying , many cries for love go unheard, many moments of beauty, unnoticed. Unless one understands what love truly consists of, (and how to keep it growing,) unless we can break out of deadening routines, it becomes difficult to withstand all the challenges and changes relationships go through.
Too often we see our partners in the same old way as well. We have not noticed how they've grown or changed . Perception can be fatal, as we perceive another, so they become. When we see a person in a certain way and expect one kind of behavior from them, that is often what we get. When we hold onto an old picture of a person, not only can it prevent them from growing, but also it can act as a deterrent to our love. If we do not take the time to stop and truly be present with our loved ones daily, find out where and who they are today, before long they become strangers to us.
Not only is it easy to take the love of others for granted, it is also easy to take our love for our partner for granted as well. This is a dangerous mistake. Love is a verb, it grows and is nourished through action. It is delicate and needs our attention and care. When love is unexpressed, anger and withdrawal often follow. In fact love that is not translated into daily behavior, may not be love at all. .
Like weeds in a garden, untended relationships can easily wither. So many find out too late that their loved ones have become strangers to them. The trust, communication and sharing that should have been on-going simply has not taken place. The good news is that it is simple and enjoyable to renew your relationship to do it daily. The process actually consists of two parts. Each is equally important and each will be equally rewarding for both of you.
Preparation
Part 1 is preparatory time. This involves time spent with yourself. It is important to take stock of where you are now, what you are feeling and what is going on inside. This is time when you are honest with yourself. If you are not aware of your own feelings, needs and disappointments, how can your partner be?
As you take stock become aware of what you want for yourself, how you see the future, and how the relationship is working right now. Write this all down in a journal. Be certain that you are able to differentiate between what your dreams, feelings, fears and images are, and what is truly going on. Look and see if you are giving your partner room to be who they are as well, to express their interests and strengths. Some cannot accept others unless they become mirror images of them. This can be painful for the partner, and cause them to feel unlove and unappreciated.
Realize that your partner does not exist to make your life complete. That is up to you. During time spent with yourself, it is not unusual to experience a feeling of disappointment with the relationship. Some feel drained, or burnt out. This usually takes place when they are in a power struggle, or unable to receive the warmth, attention or consideration they need.
There is nothing wrong with feeling this way. It does not mean love has died. It's important to face and acknowledge these feelings. By spending time alone, and giving to yourself, some of the weariness and burn out can be relieved. By becoming aware of your needs rather than hiding from them, and blaming your partner, you can then find healthy ways to have them fulfilled.
There is a weariness factor in all relationships. When you acknowledge how you are truly feeling, you then do not have to act these feelings out. Instead, it becomes possible to go a step further and, in a spirit of exploration and mutual respect see what can be done.
Renewing Your Love
Part 2 of renewing your love is to spend quality time with your partner on a regular basis. This is time for fun, intimacy, romance and just plain being friends. During this time do not criticize, nag, or pressure. Spend some time finding out what's going on for them, the way you did for yourself. Learn about their day and really listen. Do not comment, or try to instruct. Just be with your partner whole-heartedly, available to hearing their thoughts and feelings.
Appreciate what they've done that day. Focus upon the good and acknowledge what's valuable and positive. This will create an environment in which you can both be who you are, enjoy yourselves and also be open and available to hear what each has to say. In this open, accepting atmosphere, you will be able to share what's going on with you in a way that is clear and simple, a way that your partner can listen to and hear.
Doing both part 1 and 2 will have amazing effects both upon you and your relationship. When troubles start in a relationship it is because the partners feel unattended to, not understood, or cared for. Setting aside this meaningful time will work as a natural antidote to difficulties escalating. No matter what both of you are facing, through the time shared and openness your relationship cannot help but develop deep roots and bloom.
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Discover the surprising truths about love that will save your relationship, by working with the unique program in Dr. Shoshanna?s new e-book Save Your Relationship (21 Basic Laws of Successful Relationships).
http://www.truthaboutlove.com . Dr. Shoshanna is a psychologist, author, relationship expert on
i.village.com, speaker, and has run over 500 workshops on all aspects of relationships and fulfilling your potential. Her personal website is:
http://www.brendashoshanna.com/topspeaker@yahoo.com
