Has your teen ever come home and say to you, "The WHOLE class is going to be at the party on Friday night! Why can't I go?" Or, "ALL my friends are getting tattooed! If I don't get one they'll think that I'm weird?" Your "gut feeling" is that it can't be true (how can parents allow 14 year old children to go to an all night party?) but you want to trust your child and you certainly don't want them to feel "out". What do you do?
The first and most important thing to do is to PERSONALLY check out the information and NOT to rely on what the child reports. They might unintentionally misconstrue the facts and they might really believe that EVERYONE is doing something even though it is really only one or two classmates. How does this happen?
We don't always hear or see the whole situations but we see and hear what we are conditioned to see and hear and filter out everything else.
For instance, when one of my children was small he had a speech impediment and we found it difficult to understand him. When he started school, my wife and I were concerned how he would interact with the other children. Because of our concern my wife wasn't surprised when one day he came back crying, "The whole class was making fun of me!" My wife panicked and when I came home that night my wife almost screeched, "All the kids are making fun of Yechial's speech! We have to move schools right away!"
Right before this incident I learnt this "filtering" idea so I asked him, "Yechial what are all the kids saying to you that makes you cry?" Between his tears and sobbing he told me, "That I have big eyes!!!" My wife "heard" him say that they were laughing at his speech because of her own preconceived ideas.
It is the same with teens. They want to feel big and independent so often times they really think that the WHOLE class or EVERYONE is doing something even though in truth it is only a few people. They are not intentionally lying.
Therefore a good parenting tip is:
* When something doesn't sound right to you don't rely on what your children say but check it out yourself.
* Do this very discreetly. Don't tell them that you are checking out the facts. This might cause an argument.
* DON'T yell at them and call them liers. They might really think that are telling you a fact.
*If you find out that it isn't like they say, just tell them very calmly, "I asked.... and ..... and I see that a lot of your class are not going to that party.
Follow this parenting tip and you will be saving your child from a lot of trouble and yourself from a lot of aggravation.
