At what age are our kids old enough …to think for themselves …to decide for themselves …to choose a life that takes them down pathways we never dreamed of for them, and indeed, may make the world wonder about us as parents?
I must confess up-front that I sometimes wonder whether I have the right to even ask those questions. After all, I tell myself, I chose not to have kids. Yet I have been deeply involved in the growing up of my step-daughters since they were tots. And I have been to hell and back as part of that journey. So I conclude that gives me the right to have a view on the topic!
This question of the parent/child relationship has been with me my whole life, I think. I still recall being well aware as a teenager that I was capable of far more decision-making than my parents allowed. And in my school and community environments I took on activities and projects with significant scope, returning home to a small, tight command-and-control household whose by-line was “you aren’t old enough for that yet”.
We struggled mightily with my step-daughter’s need for independence and autonomy from the age of 12 …and grew greatly as human beings through discovering her ability to move successfully (by her standards, not ours) through the world at far younger ages than we considered acceptable. And I continue to work with clients who have children of college and university age who agonize over the fact that their child isn’t clear about the career they want; who can’t be ‘motivated’ to strive for professional careers or to work 60 hours a week; who (god help us!) are attracted to blue collar jobs that involve getting their hands dirty and working outside in the snow and heat; or worse yet, who are aimless and shiftless enough to settle for McJobs, partying with the kind of reckless abandon of people who think the world is about to end!
After all, haven’t we slaved and suffered and done without so that they could have it all?
Or have we been fooling ourselves? Have we done it because somewhere deep inside us we decided our kids could be everything we couldn’t be? Have we done it because we bought a bill of goods that said that our worth as parents would be judged by the kind of results our children produced? Have we done it for them or for ourselves?
When do we say to our kids that we’re finished in our role as parent. When do we invite them to consider us as real human beings who they may enjoy having in their lives as friends?
I’ve discovered for myself that in moving away from the role of “step mother” I’ve given the girls and myself permission to be more fully who we are as people. I’ve acquired new friends with whom I don’t need to always agree, and with whom I don’t always have to be providing advice and nurturing. We can simply enjoy one another’s company when we choose to …moving in and out of one another’s lives as time and inclination permits rather than being bound by the conventions and traditions of the parent/child relationship.
The process of “resigning” as step-mom has been an interesting one. I was shocked to discover that I actually worried what people would think of me as a person when I no longer tried to “control” certain behaviours I had been taught were inappropriate. I was stunned to realize how much of my own behaviour was based in a deep presumption of “I’m the boss and you’re not”. And I was thrilled to feel the weight (that I didn’t know I was carrying) fall away from my shoulders when I let go of the need to be constantly providing career advice and direction.
Now, we just get to hang out with one another like I do with any of the rest of my friends. When they ask for my input, I provide it, clear that it is one opinion amongst many that they are eliciting. When we irritate one another, we don’t call for a while. When they do things that I find embarrassing or troublesome, I simply remind myself that they are free to make their own choices and that this doesn’t reflect on who I am. And when they make decisions that I wouldn’t make, I can simply smile and let them know that I hope it works out the way they hope it will.
Life has become so much more simple and enjoyable. Is it time for you to let go and become a person rather than Mom or Dad?
Gwen McCauley
Odysseys Unlimited Inc.
www.ouicoach.com
