In the recent months and years we have been faced with extreme
issues of tragedy: the attacks of 9/11, the tsunami in Asia, and the
extreme floods in New Orleans. It is hard enough for us as adults
to understand these tragedies; for children they can be extremely
overwhelming. But children do not just look at large disasters like
these as tragedies; sometimes, simple things in their lives are
tragic to them, even if we as adults don't view them that way.
A child that loses a parent is, of course, going to view it as a tragic
event. But a child who finds out his parents are adopting a new
brother or sister can view that as a tragedy also. As adults, we
need to hone in on our children's feelings and help them work
through their issues of tragedy and loss even if it is hard for us to
understand their views.
Some important ways to help a child deal with their feelings of loss
can include:
Talking - Let the child talk about what is bothering them.
Don't just talk about the specific thing that they perceive as loss.
Let the child talk about all aspects of their life right now. Ask
questions and let them ask you questions.
Reassure - Don't just tell them everything is going to be
fine. Talk with them about how things will be different and how by
working together you can make everything ok. Children need to
know the specifics. Let them explain what will make them feel like
everything is ok.
Routine - Try to keep their regular routine intact. Even if
some things have to change, try to keep as many routines as
possible.
Relax - Simple relaxation exercises like going for a walk, or
even just sitting in a quiet place with their eyes closed and taking
some deep breaths can help children feel more in control of their
emotions.
Fun - Kids need to have fun no matter what kinds of trauma
or loss they are dealing with. Offering a child some markers and
blank paper can really help them unload their feelings. Also, think
of physical activities like sports or just playing catch. It is easier for
a child to open up when they are concentrating on catching a ball
and not so worried about answering questions correctly or saying
the right or wrong things.
Pray - with them and for them. This is something that is one
of the most powerful things you can do with your child. Let them
see you pray and include prayer before you eat and at bedtime, no
matter what their age- kids need to know God is watching over
them. Attend services with them and help them prepare for the
day they are on their own and have to face hard times and
decisions as adults.
Children have to deal with stress, trauma, and loss in today's
world; they just do it differently than adults. Instead of
concentrating on trying to get children to tell you what they are
feeling, concentrate on providing an open communication
environment. I take my daughter out on a "girl's night out" each
week, just her and me for some fun, dinner and time away from
work and school. Even if she doesn't feel like talking when we
start, it happens naturally and she looks forward to this one-on-
one time with mom.
Often, just feeling comfortable and being able to ask questions will
relieve the stress a child feels around an incident they are dealing
with. Remember, although there are huge tragedies in this world
today, a child may still view things in their own life as a tragedy or
a loss even if we as adults would not view it that way.
Mardie Caldwell, C.O.A.P. is a speaker and award-winning author of two books,
Adopting Online and
Adoption: Your Step-by-Step Guide. Mardie is also the talk show host of
Let's Talk Adoption.com with Mardie Caldwell. For more information email
Mardie Caldwell
