“All the safeguards in the world will not help the counselor who has not come to terms with his own sexuality.” Andre Bustanoby
Recent surveys by Christianity Today, show that both pastors and lay people recognize clergy are particularly vulnerable to sexual temptation. And all too often, because we are fallible human beings, pastors fall.
Many of us struggle in this area and many have fallen. But there's no escaping the fact that it's a serious problem,
Why and When We are Most Vulnerable
Contrary to what we might assume, most adulterous situations are not primarily the result of a sexual problem.
I believe that those who had been involved in extramarital affairs, sexual problems are life problems. That is, when you really get down to the bottom of why something happened, it's rarely just sexual dissatisfaction with a spouse or lustful desire for the other person.
People are most vulnerable to sexual temptation, When they're unable
• to achieve their goals,
• when they're frustrated,
• they're discouraged,
• when their dreams are being dashed.
That's why I say sexual problems are life problems; the sexual involvement grows out of feeling that their lives are out of control, that they're personally impotent. Life is not affirming their value as a person.
Then along comes a person who does affirm the hurting person's value and accepts him. She indicates she finds him very ttractive. And when the hurting person becomes involved, it's a way of proving to him that someone still wants him, that someone still finds him attractive, that at least in this one area, he can still compete with others and win the affections of someone of the opposite sex.
Almost always, this "other woman" is not as attractive physically as the hurting person's spouse. This is one instance that infidelity does not grow primarily out of physical desire. This is why I say to an injured wife that trying to make herself more sexy or wrapping herself in cellophane would not really solve the problem.
If home is a place of nothing but "real life" — bills and diapers and taking out the trash. And, if a person's dreams and aspirations are continually belittled or ignored, that person is going to be more vulnerable to the approach of someone else who is supportive.
Middle age often brings with it a particular vulnerability to sexual temptation, too. Some men become frightened about growing older, and they wonder if women still find them attractive. So they're tempted to test the waters to find out. It's not usually because they're obsessed with the young woman, but because they want some affirmation that women still think of them as men and not as fatherly types.
The road to sexual intimacy and attraction usually begins with the growth of emotional and intellectual intimacy.
Let's say you are feeling frustrated and a little defeated at work. At home, you got two small children and a busied wife. It seems as though it's been months since both of you have talked about anything but dirty diapers and leaking sink. On those occasions when you tried to talk about some books you has been reading or some optimistic plans for the future, your wife has, with understandable reason, responded with
• "I don't have time for that" or
• "I'm too tired to think straight" or
• "Let's just try to get to the end of this week, okay?"
And then you meet another woman who has the time and energy to read and stay intellectually alert. The conversations start out innocently. Both discover they enjoy one another's company. This woman supplies an important element your life that has been lacking. Before long, the discussion of ideas and events becomes more personal, moving to the emotional level as well as the intellectual. Easily and subtly, compatibility and intimacy on these levels can lead to sexual intimacy as well.
Talking about marriage and how infidelity happens, and my wife said, "I would be hurt more deeply if I found out my husband had a strong friendship with another woman, in which he discussed things with her that he couldn't or wouldn't discuss with me, than I would be if I discovered he'd had a one-night stand." To her, the emotional intimacy with another woman is more significant than a short-lived sexual affair.
"Prayer, meditation, and temptation make a minister." - Martin Luther
Thomas Leong
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