Emily Bouchard, My fianc� has been divorced for over 5 years, with a son (15) and daughter (21), who still live at his house.
The problem is his daughter. She's resisting our marriage because she has retained the status of "lady of the house". I can tell she is feeling threatened by me, and is upset that I will be moving into their home following the wedding.
She's territorial.... which is understandable, but she whines to her dad about petty things. For instance, during Christmas I "whipped" the potatoes, "she" mashed them. I'm worried about moving in with them, with her territorialism... and her feeling very threatened by me.
What counsel would you give me?
"Nicole"
Emily Bouchard's Advice
Dear "Nicole",
Here are some pieces of advice to help you support your step future daughter:
Understand in your own mind that your step-daughter's apparent animosity about you has absolutely nothing to do with you.
Try not to take her comments personally, by telling yourself that it appears to be for you but in reality it's about her own mom.
Never inform her of this � just remind yourself daily that this is the case.
Reflect back to her what she is saying to you to prove to her you understand how she is feeling. It's important to not only mirror what she says but also how much energy she uses. Don't be all calm and peaceful when you explain to her that you are aware of how angry she is; be forceful, strong, and as noisy as she is � matching her energy with yours.
Call for deeper examination of feelings. Say things like: "You truly can't stand how I whip the potatoes? Tell me more!" or "You are disgusted with how I'm here constantly? What's that like for you?" Sometimes just staying near her and parroting back what she says and saying "tell me more" is the only thing you can do in the midst of her rage � and it will make a huge difference. If a person feels like someone else understands them, they cannot help but to reveal their pain underneath. If she doesn't, then you're not succeeding yet � and you should try again.
Once you've gotten her trust by continuing this method for awhile, you may begin to delve deeper. Start asking questions, like: "when did you first begin having these feelings?" or "do you recall ever having to defend your territory like this before?" � You will know how to word it when you truly understand the pain she's feeling. Try to help her to determine where this is coming from and absolutely do not bring up her mom before she does.
-Emily Bouchard
NOTE: Use of this article requires links to be intact.
Emily Bouchard is a loving stepmother to two young women who were teenagers when she entered their lives. She publishes a free
Blended Families newsletter. To read the rest of this article visit
Angry Teens.
