Most of the way I coach helps with healing the wounds done to marriage relationships in blended families. Generally, the harm is done by 4 gloomy, obstinate characters that, when given the chance, bring destruction and wreckage and kill any possiblility of closeness and durability in a marriage.
What are these destroyers? You'd do well to get to know their characteristics and traits, and learn how to identify them and stop them in their tracks. After I name them here, I think you will find them to be familiar characters - they appear in all relationships pretty regularly - it's those couples who let them move in that are done for!
CRITICISM- The 1st Villian. Just about everyone can complain about things their spouse does that they don't like, but the instant they generalize and criticize their spouse, they have passed beyond the boundaries and invited danger to come into their relationship.
Having a problem, for example, "I'm tired of having to do our dishes all the time. I feel let down and annoyed when you leave your dishes in the sink" is understandable, and can easily be worked with. However, a criticism such as, "You are so careless and lazy! Why are you watching TV when it's obvious that the dishes must be done! How can I rely on you to do anything if you can't even do something so simple?!" is a direct assault on your spouse's character and consequently, their defenses go up, and either way this is a losing battle. When criticism becomes commonplace, you've paved the path that will allow other villains to come into your home and tear down your marriage.
#2- CONTEMPT. You know it the instant it arrives, in the form of sneers, sarcasm, eye rolling, mockery, cynicism, and hostile humor. The message your partner receives when you invite contempt into the space is that of disgust. You are letting him or her know that you do not care about their feelings, opinions or beliefs. And if your spouse acts this way toward you, the chances of you becoming even more defensive and rash is increased.
Which brings in the 3rd villain- DEFENSIVENESS. Despite the fact that it looks like you are defending yourself, what you are doing, in reality, is blaming your spouse instead. You are throwing blame straight back to them and saying that they're the problem, not you. This is what occurs when a partner is perceived to be the problem, instead of the behavior. Once one spouse becomes defensive, the conflict will continue on relentlessly, with further criticism and contempt shot back and forth.
Once these three are allowed to go unchecked and out of control, the fourth and final villain makes its presence known - STONEWALLING. Walls solidify and the assaults are met with absolute silence. You're being stonewalled when you continue your verbal attack, and your spouse doesn't respond at all - no eye-contact, no verbal cues, nothing. And if you still don't get the message, the stonewalling spouse will remove themselves from the room completely, disregarding you while you persist in your angry tirade. Stonewalling occurs when one spouse has been so FLOODED by heaps of negativity thrown at them that they really can't take anymore of it - they pick this technique because they believe it to be their only option.
Once all 4 of these negative interactions become permanent residents in your home, your marriage relationship will be taken prisoner and you will need some serious strategies to effectively battle them!
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Emily Bouchard, has over 18 years of experience in working with children and
families dealing with adversity. She has a Master's Degree in Social Work and a Bachelor's degree in Child Development. She publishes a free
Blended Families newsletter.
