Dealing with Difficult Family Members
Many of us come from families with one or more difficult family members and it is not uncommon to look forward to family gatherings with dread. It doesn’t have to be that way. Though there is no miracle cure for fixing family members, there are things you can do to greatly improve the situation for yourself.
Start by identifying the behavior you most dislike in simple terms. "I get depressed when they criticize me." "I hate it when my father gets drunk." "I hate it when they bicker with each other." Don’t over-complicate it or make long lists. Just identify the behavior that makes it the most difficult to be with them.
The hardest part is going to be changing your own behavior, speaking up without anger, and being consistent. Focus your attention on your own behavior and try to get some positive interaction happening with your family. When their behavior begins you should say something immediately, and again keep it simple. "Stop criticizing me," or, "I hate it when you get drunk around me," or just simply, "Stop it." If you say the same thing each time they do the behavior, the message will eventually get through. This is how you will let them know you are not going to tolerate this behavior.
You also need to have a consequence for times when they continue the behavior. "I’m going to go now," might be your best choice. Have an alternate plan prepared to make this easier. You want to avoid feeling trapped. Your situation may be, for example, that you and your spouse are visiting family in another state for a holiday weekend. Clue in your spouse, and even clue in your family. Let them know that you don’t want to stay if they are going to do that behavior. If you and your spouse must leave early and you’ve already found a bed and breakfast before hand that will be open and have sight seeing planned, then you will feel less stressed knowing you have an alternate plan prepared and that all is not lost.
The hardest part about dealing with difficult family members is when you feel like you have no control over the situation. You do have control, however, because you can control your own behavior and make healthy choices. Use that ability, and your situation will improve.
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