Pitfall #1: You don’t learn from the mistakes you made in your first marriage.
Some important but unsettling news for those of you thinking about remarrying: More second marriages end in divorce than first marriages. And the statistics are even worse for third marriages. Intuitively, you might think the opposite would be true. After all, you’re definitely older the second time around, so you’ve got to be wiser, too. Right?
Many people who enter a second marriage don’t realize the specific challenges that come with remarrying. Awareness of these challenges should start with an understanding of the reasons why your first marriage ended.
Excuses like “I was too young” or “My ex was pure evil personified” are just that, excuses. You need to take a hard look at yourself to discover the reasons why your first marriage didn’t survive. You may feel reluctant to explore this painful time in your life, especially when you’re caught up in the pleasures of your new relationship. But this type of honest self-examination can only benefit your second marriage and lead to a more loving and lasting union.
Why is it so important to uncover the reasons your first marriage didn’t work? Simple. You’re human and like everyone else walking the face of the earth, you’ll repeat mistakes if you’re not aware of them. This means you’ll repeat the mistakes you made in your first marriage in subsequent relationships—especially if you don’t take the time and apply the effort to become truly cognizant of your relationship patterns.
So, in honor of your second marriage, ask yourself these three important questions:
How can I be a better spouse the second time around?
What types of things
didn’t I do in my first marriage that I
should do in my second?
What types of things
did I do in my first marriage that I
shouldn’t do in my second?
Revisiting these questions over a period of time can lead to deeper and more meaningful self-discovery. Don’t forget: Self-discovery and increased intimacy go hand-in-hand.
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Richard Nicastro, Ph.D. is a psychologist and relationship coach who is passionate about helping couples protect the sanctuary of their relationship. Rich and his wife Lucia founded LifeTalk Coaching, an internet-based coaching business that helps couples strengthen their relationships.
