One of my favourite movies is “An Affair to Remember” with Cary Grant and Deborah Kerr. The title reminds us that some English word meanings have changed over the years; when this movie was made (1957), an affair was a romance, plain and simple.
These days, having an affair implies cheating usually involving a married or otherwise committed person. The really old-fashioned term for it is adultery, as in “Thou shall not commit ...”
I will address the topic of this affair under the assumption that you, my reader,
• are in a committed relationship, possibly an engagement or a marriage, and also
• that you are not the partner who had the affair (that’s another topic), but that you are the person who was “cheated on”, that you are the victim of someone else’s bad behaviour.
And as if all this is not enough, somebody has made the ridiculous suggestion that good can come from this affair! So far, only hurt, anger, pain, confusion, and a whole host of really awful things have come from this affair.
I’m guessing that you must be a little bit brave to even be reading this article, considering how badly you are feeling.
Some possible good . . .
Any good that can come from this affair is probably not immediately evident. I’m going to suggest a few “good” things, and you can decide if any of them fit with your particular situation.
1. No more lies and deceit. The truth is out. Honesty can be excruciatingly painful, I know; however, honesty makes it possible to know what is real, to deal with it, and to heal. Lies and deceit do just the opposite.
2. Deciding what you want. You have choices to make in light of the affair. Do you want to get out of your marriage now or recommit? Do you want to choose one of these options, but with specific provisions? It’s your life. You get to decide.
3. Practicing forgiveness. Regardless of your decision about the future of the marriage or relationship, you also have this opportunity to offer forgiveness to the people who wronged you. Ouch. And this is not optional. Double ouch. Forgiveness is not easy, but forgiveness is necessary for your own mental well-being. Unforgiveness can lead to bitterness and depression, and can poison future relationships. By practicing forgiveness you will be free.
4. Digging deeper within yourself, you can discover strengths of character and spirit that you may not have needed before. By using these newly discovered strengths, you will find yourself growing more confident in your ability to survive this affair as well as anything else.
But you just don’t know . . .
You are right; I don’t know what they did, said, for how long, with whom, et cetera. I don’t know the painful details. I have never been in your shoes. But in this room where I sit now writing to you, I have listened to the stories of many victims of affairs. If you were here right now, you could tell me and I would understand.
But they really hurt me . . .
Yes, you have been hurt beyond measure. And one thing I do know is that an affair has more than one victim. You are a victim, for sure, and so are the two people who had the affair. Also the pain may affect another spouse, perhaps children, and even family and friends. Many lives and relationships can be impacted by an affair.
Won’t time heal the wound?
Another thing I absolutely know is that victim status need not become permanent. You have been hurt, yes, but don’t let that hurt continue to bring pain forever. You may have been told that time heals all wounds. Not true. And anyway, why wait when you have the power to stop the pain right now?
Let me tell you about Lucy (not her real name)
I fondly remember Lucy and her husband; when I met them, they had been separated several months following the revelation of an affair.
After working though the same process outlined here, Lucy was able to feel trust for her husband again, and he said something very interesting: “I thought I wanted things to be the way they used to be, but I see now that they are getting a whole lot better than that. I never knew it could be this way.”
This can be your story, too.
How can I stop the pain right now?
The best place to start ending the pain is to go back to the four possible “good” outcomes above. If you will choose to
1. live in the truth, refusing to accept lies and deceit,
2. accept the power to make your own decisions,
3. practice forgiveness, and
4. dig deep within yourself to discover new strengths,
you will have effectively robbed this affair of its power to continue causing you pain.
You have the power to be amazing! And that is good. A very possible good.
