Take Charge of Your Life
Copyright © 2005 Stephanie Marston, MFT
http://www.stephaniemarston.com


Not long ago a friend of mine had a baby. As I stared into the
window at the rows of infants lying in their bassinettes, I was
struck with how similar they looked. Yes, some had dark hair,
some curly hair, and some had no hair at all. Some were larger
or weighed a bit more than others, but mostly they were all
pretty much the same. What would they be like, I asked myself, if
they came back as adults for a reunion? What would we find?

Both research and commonsense tells us that we'd find that some
people took life by its tail and made the most of it. Some would
be successes in business or art. Others would be exceptional
parents, teachers, lawyers, nurses, etc. Statistics also tell us
that we'd find others whose futures had taken quite a different
turn. Some would have addictions to drugs or alcohol. Others
somehow would just be unable to make their lives work.

I started to think about what caused these incredibly varied
outcomes: How could all these children who started out so equal
have ended up so differently? Oh, I suppose some of the
discrepancy could be passed off to genetics, but what about the
rest? Did a fairy fly through the room with magic dust and
sprinkle some but not others? No, not unless reality was created
by Walt Disney.

In the last 25 years of my working with people in my therapy
practice and as a parent educator, I've discovered that the
single most important factor that determines whether children
grow up to be happy and successful is their self-esteem. A
child's self-esteem affects every area of her existence—from the
friends she chooses, to how well she does in school, to what kind
of job she pursues, to even the person she chooses to marry. But
what exactly is this illusive, intangible thing called self-
esteem?

Defined simply, self-esteem is the sense of being lovable and
capable. When these two qualities are in sync, a child has high
self-esteem. Children need first to know that they are loved and
accepted for who they are. Then, with this as a basis, their
natural impulse is to take that love and learn to contribute it
to the world in constructive ways. It's not hard to see that
self-esteem is the best gift you can give your children.

As you work to give your child this marvelous gift, the most
important thing to understand is this: Self-esteem evolves in
kids primarily through the quality of our relationships with
them. For the first several years of their lives you are their
major influence. Later on, teachers and friends come into the
picture. But especially at the beginning, you're it with a
capital I.



We Are Mirrors for Our Kids

Because children see parents as authority figures, they think
that the way you treat them is the way they deserve to be
treated: "What you say about me is what I am," is a literal truth
to your child. Consequently, when children are treated with
respect, they conclude that they deserve respect and, hence,
develop self-respect. When children are treated with acceptance,
they develop self-acceptance; when they are cherished, they
conclude that they deserve to be loved and they develop self-
esteem. Conversely, if they are mistreated or abused, they
conclude that they deserve that, too.

Parents are, in effect, mirrors: What we reflect back to our kids
becomes the basis for their self-image, which in turn influences
all areas of their lives. To put it another way, who our children
are is not nearly as important as who they think they are.



Shower Your Children with Love

Conveying our love to our children is priority number one in
building a healthy sense of self-esteem in our children. It needs
to come before any other aspect of the parenting process, such
as, setting limits or correcting behavior. Your kids need to
know, first and foremost that no matter what they do, while you
may not like or approve of their actions, you continue to love
them.

Children need tangible demonstrations of your love. They, like
adults, need to be told directly and often, "I love you." I've
never had anyone come up to me at the end of a parenting seminar
and say, "Could you please tell my husband to stop telling me he
loves me?" We can never hear "I love you" too often. Our children
don't automatically feel loved simply because they are part of a
family.

Your unconditional love needs to be the basis of your
relationship with your children. Unconditional love is loving
your kids for who they are, not for what they do. Our kids
shouldn't have to earn our love, acceptance, or respect. It is
their birthright and should be given freely.

Unconditional love requires loving your kids regardless of what
you expect them to be and, most difficult, no matter how they
act. By this I don't mean that we like or accept inappropriate
behavior, but with unconditional love we love the child even at
those times when we dislike what he or she does.

I'm not going to pretend that this is easy. It isn't.
Unconditional love isn't something you will achieve every minute
of every day. But, it is the thought we must hold in our hearts
every single day. The underlying message of unconditional love
is, "I love you no matter what you do. I am committed to you 100
percent, and will be here for you through thick or thin." These
kinds of messages are surefire builders of healthy self-esteem.




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Stephanie is an acclaimed speaker and author. She speaks from
experience. Stephanie is the "go to" expert for those who seek
to create quality driven lives. She is the author of Chicken
Soup for the Soul's Life Lessons for Women: 7 Essential
Ingredients for a Balanced Life, If Not Now, When? Reclaiming
Ourselves at Midlife and Life Coaching for Parents: Six Weeks
to Sanity. For more information please visit her website:
http://www.stephaniemarston.com