Getting Married? Keep Your Name
I know you're in love. And maybe you think it's
romantic—or required—to change your name to match your
husband's.
And when / if you have children, you would like their names to match
their parents' name.
The reality is, your birth name is connected to your identity, your
heritage, and all of who you are. It is how you are known in the
world—to those you grew up with, went to school with, worked
with,
are related to, and developed friendships and relationships with. A
lot of who we are is formed and influenced in our early years and
school years.
When a woman marries and changes her name, she virtually disappears
from all who knew her before.
• All of her pre-marriage accomplishments are buried with her
name.
• Friends from grade school, high school, and college, former
neighbors, and colleagues, will be unable to re-connect.
A 2nd grade classmate made a significant impact on my life. I
learned how much one person's smile and kindness could impact the
self-esteem of a child the rest of the class made
fun of. It was a lesson I realized only in hindsight years later.
And I knew someday I wanted to find him and thank him. Thirty
years later, I was able to type his name in a computer search
engine, contact him, and tell him he made a difference. Had the
friend been a woman, finding her would not have been as likely.
A more significant reason to keep your name is that it's a
continuous reminder to your mate that you are a partner, not a
possession. Your man is marrying you as the individual,
accomplished, intelligent woman you were when he proposed. Your
name is a daily reminder that you remain an individual, capable,
accomplished, and intelligent and that you choose to join in this
marriage as a full partner, without watering down or giving up who
you are. Being "you" is what attracted him in the first
place.
"Expect the same of your man that you do of yourself." Those
were
my grandmother's words of advice in my dating years. "Find
somebody
who's bad habits you think you can live with." was another.
Don't lower your standards. Don't settle for being treated
as
anything less than the everyday goddess you are. If you truly love
and respect this guy and treat him accordingly, don't settle for
anything less from him.
Practically speaking, there is a lot less hassle and paperwork if
you keep your name. Anyone who has had their wallet lost or stolen
will understand. Keep it simple and sensible. There just aren't
enough good reasons to change your name just because you're
getting
married.
If your guy objects, invite him to change his name if it's that
important to him to share a name. Make it clear, however, that your
name is yours and that it comes with the package; that your
identity, family heritage, professional credentials, and
accomplishments are connected with that name; and that you are
choosing to keep it.
If he leaves because you insist on keeping your birth name and
identity, take a serious look at your relationship. And ask
yourself:
• Do you want to be a full and equal partner in your marriage?
o Or property?
• Do you want a man who celebrates and encourages your
intelligence, accomplishments, integrity, and independence?
o Or one who wants to change (`tame') and control you?
• Do you want a man who listens to, accepts, and trusts your
choices and decisions?
o Or one who doesn't?
Keep you name. Be all of who you are without apology. Allow your
partner the same support and opportunity.
"What's good for the goose is good for the gander."
(Another
Grandma Wisdom tip.)
About the Author:
(c) Anne Wondra (2005) Anne Wondra is a happily married life spirit
and career coach, writer, and workshop leader, empowering women and
men to be self-confident, capable, happy and healthy. Visit her
website http://www.wonderspirit.com for more Life Wisdom and
resources.
