This may seem strange. Backwards even. You don't need help handling yourself. It's your kids that you need to know how to handle right?
How do I reward them properly when they do something good to reinforce the behavior? Or how do I punish them effectively when they do something wrong to stop it from happening again?
All of that is important, but the most important thing you need to do is to learn how to handle yourself. You are the leader of the family and as you go, your children go. So let me suggest using these "4 Steps to Handling Yourself in Parenting Situations".
Step 1: Identify Immediately
Your child made all A's, they washed the dishes or cleaned their room.
-or-
They got a D in Algebra, broke their Game boy, or threw a party while you were out of town.
Whatever it is - identify the action immediately to your child. Don't put it off. The longer you wait to acknowledge an action the less effect it has and the less likely you are to actually do anything about it. And this includes stopping a bad behavior or increasing the likelihood that a good behavior will occur again.
Step 2: Be Specific
"Good job honey" doesn't usually cut it. Instead try something like: "Mark, I am so happy for you getting a 94 on your English test. You studied so hard for that and you deserved it."
-or-
"GO TO YOUR ROOM YOU ARE GROUNDED" may not work so good either.
Be more specific about the action: "Kelly, I am very disappointed that you lied to us about that party you went to. You know you aren't allowed to go somewhere with no parental supervision."
There are two reasons for being specific about a behavior:
#1: Sometimes children may not know what they did right or wrong. You need to tell them EXACTLY what they did because, as you know, their interpretations are often times different from yours.
#2: The more specific you are about the action, the more meaningful it will be to your child. Our kids don't always listen to everything we say anyway. When we want to make an impact - or get a point across - let's be specific and clear about what we are saying.
Step 3: Respond Memorably
If your child does something good, make sure you reward them with something special - something they will remember.
This does NOT mean always giving them a financial or material reward like a new video game. These are fine but should be used sparingly. Instead, give them something special. You may not be aware of this but some love and affection from a parent can be FAR more significant to your child than any material thing.
A hug, nice words or a compliment (especially in public) could all do the trick.
$5 for every A on their report card? No not so much. Sure it may seem like something they would want. Who doesn't want money right? But after they spend it later that day they will have already forgotten about it and will be asking for more.
And what about when your child messes up?
Your reaction needs to be uncomfortable. This does NOT mean painful. There is a difference.
Sending them to their room with a TV, phone and Xbox is NOT uncomfortable. Just yelling at them, but not doing anything about their action is NOT uncomfortable - it may be loud for a few minutes, but that's easy to get through.
Step 4: Be Consistent
This is the most important step. You should always be consistent in everything you do as a parent and a person. This doesn't mean you have to respond the same way every time - just make sure you respond each time something happens with a similar degree of intensity.
People, especially children, need constant positive reinforcement. When your child brings home their Kindergarten report card with all A's you compliment and reward them. But does that stop when they hit 5th grade? Or 10th grade? It better not. Otherwise those A's will quickly turn into C's.
And what about on the negative side of things? Your son likes to hit people - his friends, siblings and you. When he does it, you acknowledge that it's wrong immediately, you're specific that he should not hit people and you make him go to time-out for 5 minutes.
Once that is over he stops hitting...for a little while. The next time he starts hitting again you respond the same way, but what about the 10th time? You have bruises all over your arms and legs, are exhausted from wrestling with him and just want a break. So what do you do? You respond differently. You yell, threaten or even ignore him.
When do you think he will stop hitting? Never - of course. Why? Not because you didn't acknowledge the problem quick enough - you did. Not because you weren't specific about what he was doing wrong - you were. And not because the response wasn't memorable - it probably was. It's because you weren't consistent enough to stop the behavior.
So as you can see, being consistent is essential for all behaviors - good or bad. And you may be surprised at how well a lot of your "parenting tools" already work if you just stick with them. So start to handle yourself and then concentrate on your kids.
To learn more read
The Four Pillars of Parenting Free Report
Dr. Ray Hawkins, a nationally recognized parenting expert, is a Licensed Professional Counselor and an AAMFT (American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy) Approved Supervisor that has been helping parents since 1982.
To learn more go to
Dr. Ray On Parenting.
