I am proud to say that I survived for three whole months as a foreigner in the treacherous urban jungle of Tokyo, where a single wrong turn could bring you face to face with… um... well…

LESSON #1 – Japanese people are more scared of you than you are of them
And for good reason! Compared to an average Japanese male, an American teenager is roughly the size of a freight train. Furthermore, thanks to educational documentaries such as Rambo, most Japanese assume that all Americans, including your grandmother, will be armed with a gun, knife, or possibly a flame-thrower.

LESSON #2 – You are “Special”
For better or for worse, you will receive special treatment while you stay in Japan. This is largely because Japanese view American tourists as being ignorant water buffalos which, if left unattended, will trample drunkenly across their precise and carefully structured society (in their defense, this stereotype is largely true). As a result, expect to be treated like a mentally handicapped special needs hospital patient by virtually everyone.

LESSON #3 – Don’t play with the buttons on the fancy toilet
Seriously, I was minding my own business in the bathroom of my apartment when curiosity got the better of me and I started playing with the fancy buttons on the digital console mounted to the armrest of my toilet. The next thing I know, my nether regions were being violated by a high-pressured jet stream of water. Needless to say, I had to quickly learn the Japanese symbol for “stop”. I doubt that I shall ever forget that particular Kanji, or the dire circumstances under which it was learned.