Title: Are You a Trash Can for Others' Negativity?
Author: Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
E-mail: mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com
Copyright: © 2005 by Margaret Paul
URL: http://www.innerbonding.com
Word Count: 644
Category: Self Improvement, Self Help
Are You a Trash Can for Others' Negativity?
By Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
Carmen, a client of mine, told me at the end of one of her
sessions, "I'm no longer willing to be a trash can for
others' negativity."
"Wow!" I said. "I'm delighted to hear that! And I love that
metaphor!"
Carmen is a lovely, warm, intelligent and compassionate
young woman in her late 20's. Coming from a very
narcissistic mother, Carmen learned early in life to be safe
from her mother's anger by listening to her mother's
complaints. She learned to put aside her own feelings and be
a mother to her mother. Of course, no matter how much she
gave to her mother, it was never enough. It wasn't until
Carmen started her inner work that she discovered was
narcissism was.
Early in our work together, Carmen discovered that most of
her friends were just like her mother. " I sit and listen to
them complain or listen to them brag. They are never
interested in me at all. If I say anything about myself,
they always bring it right back to themselves. Why are so
many of my friends like this?"
"Because you are willing to listen without speaking up for
yourself. There are many self-absorbed people, narcissistic
people with entitlement issues, who just love it when
someone is willing to listen to them. As long as you are
willing to listen their complaints and support their
self-centeredness, they will continue to do it."
"But if I speak up, I won't have any friends."
"Well, you might not have many friends for awhile, but
eventually you will find new friends – people who really
care about you. When you are willing to care about yourself
instead of putting yourself aside, you will attract people
who care about you. But this will take time. You need to be
willing to lose others rather than continue to lose
yourself. Do you think you are ready to do this?"
"Yes! I don't want to be a trash can anymore. I don't want
people dumping their negativity onto me anymore."
How do you feel inside when you allow others to dump their
negativity - their complaints, their anger, their
self-centeredness and sense of entitlement onto you? If you
really look inside instead of pushing your own feelings into
a closet, you will discover that you feel really lonely with
these people. There is no mutual support, no sharing of
love, no mutual giving and receiving. You give and they
take, and you end up feeling drained and lonely. Yet you
hang in there for fear of being alone with no friends or no
partner.
If you are really honest with yourself, you will find that
it's not worth it – that you deserve better than to be a
trash can for others' negativity.
It takes faith and courage to speak up for yourself. It
takes courage to say to your friend who is dumping her
negativity onto you, "This doesn't feel good. Whenever we
are together all you do is complain or talk on and on about
yourself. You are never interested in me at all, and this is
no longer okay with me. Either this needs to change or I
don't want to spend time with you. It's not fun for me and I
just end up feeling used and drained."
When you become willing to speak up for yourself, you will
discover who really are your friends and who was just using
you. Some people may say, "I'm so grateful you told me this.
I didn't realize I was doing this. I want to stop, and I
would appreciate your pointing it out to me next time I do
it." Others will go into denial and say, "That's not true. I
listen to you all the time." Others will just get angry and
go away.
It's a great way to discover who your friends really are!
About The Author:
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and
co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me
To Be Loved By You?" and "Healing Your Aloneness." She is
the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing
process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a
FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or
email her at mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone
Sessions Available.
