Painful Lessons from the Maternity Ward
(Don't try this at home, folks.)
By David Leonhardt
Whoever dubbed New York, New York "the city that never sleeps"
should visit The Maternity Ward. My recent visit included a
drop-in on several screenings of "A Star Is Born" at the late-
show theatre, right near Mama's Breast (all night milk bar) and
Papa's Gas Station ("We burp you on your way.").
To a chorus of infant cries, I drafted this column at 1:00 a.m.
Of course, it was 3:00 p.m. in Tokyo, so I suppose it wasn't so
late after all.
The whole experience of birthing seems to be a very traumatic way
to build a family. Fortunately, it did lead to two very happy
results. It gave me a new daughter, Lauralee, the Little Sister.
And it taught me some valuable lessons, which it is my patriotic
duty to share with you.
The first lesson - all men, take note - is that my wife is my
hero.
As the husband, I experienced the whole birthing outburst second-
hand. After careful observation, I conclude that this is the
best way to experience it. (Apparently I had some first-hand
experience over 40 years ago, but I can't remember too many
details.)
Most husbands suffer great humiliation during childbirth. Wives
hurl razor-sharp insults like "I hate you!" and "You fink!" and
"You did this to me!" and "I HATE YOU!!!" My wife, truly
original even in pure agony, didn't use any of those words. In
fact, she didn't say a thing. Instead, she threw up on me.
Of course, I don't hold the throwing up against her. The second
lesson I wish to share with you is the importance of forgiving
people who act in haste, in anger, or in excruciating pain from
pushing a six-inch wide baby through a one-inch wide hole in
their bodies.
Did I mention that this was a "natural" childbirth? Natural, as
in no painkillers. OK, so there was the epidural, which should
have relieved the pain, if even one of the four dosage increases
had worked. And I suppose you could call morphine and nubain
painkillers if they had actually killed any pain.
So my wife, with a permanent back condition amplifying the stab
of every contraction and reverberating it through the spine with
no momentary relief between contractions, felt every glorious
minute - 487 in all - of the unplanned "natural" childbirth. Did
I mention that she is my hero? The third lesson is, when the
best-laid plans go astray, improvise (which might explain the
throwing up - I have reason to believe it was not planned,
either).
My wife's trauma was nothing compared to what Little Sister
overcame. Her shoulders got stuck, pinching the umbilical cord
and cutting the oxygen supply from her not-quite-yet-born brain.
To do the equivalent, you would have to press your shoulder up
into your nose, while a bulldozer on steroids pushes you in a
river of blood through your mailbox. (Don't try this at home,
folks.)
Thanks to Quick Thinking Doctor, the focused team of nurses, and
a well-sharpened pair of scissors, Little Sister is enjoying
great suction at the all-night milk bar with no more damage than
a limp arm. (That's "brachial plexus injury" in medicalese.) The
arm will hopefully recover. Even if it doesn't, we know what the
alternative would have been ... and we do not look good in black.
Lesson number four is to appreciate what you have rather than
worry about what you don't.
The Maternity Ward offers far too many lessons to share with you
now. My fatigue is overtaking me. I feel like a wad of gum
squished on the asphalt, baked in the sun, and stuck on a
motorcycle tire burning rubber on a gravel trail. Ha! Bet you
never felt like that in New York, New York.
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David Leonhardt
The Happy Guy
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