Distinguishing Between Earned Guilt and Unearned Guilt
Earned guilt comes from realizing you have committed a wrongdoing. Guilt's unpleasant feeling is a strong motivator to right the wrong. The antidote to earned guilt is forgiveness, either self-forgiveness or forgiveness from the person we wronged.
The forgiveness neutralizes the guilt, wipes the slate clean and you go on to be a better person.
Unearned guilt, on the other hand, comes from invalid beliefs buried in the subconscious mind about how you are supposed to behave in order to be a "good person." These beliefs are instilled in childhood and vary from family to family and culture to culture.
Here are some examples of invalid beliefs that are a source of unearned guilt:
1. A good person puts other's needs and desires ahead of their own
2. I need to please, placate and help others whenever they ask
3. It is unacceptable to have someone disappointed or unhappy with me
4. If I have the means to help, I am obligated to help whether I want to or not
5. I feel like it is my fault if another is unhappy
3 Crucial Steps to Eliminating Unearned Guilt
1. Ask "whose problem is this?" You are not obligated to solve other people's problems.
2. If you can't give a whole-hearted "yes," say "no." To do otherwise is like putting duct tape on the mouth of your Authentic Self. AND it most certainly will lead to resentment, which isn't good for anyone.
3. Understand that you do not need a "good excuse" to say "no." A simple, "that doesn't work for me," is sufficient.
Consider this scenario:
Suzie has been on a dead run for weeks and has planned Saturday to be a "do nothing" rejuvenation day.
The phone rings. It is Nadine, Suzie's best friend.
"What are you doing Saturday?" asks Nadine.
"I'm taking a total day off for myself. I really need to recharge my batteries."
"I hate to ask," says Nadine, "but could you watch little Bobby for a couple of hours in the afternoon? Fred is coming into town and I really want to have some private time with him, if you know what I mean," giggles Nadine.
"Isn't there someone else who could watch Bobby? I really need this day off."
"Don't be so selfish," says Nadine. "It will only be a couple of hours. It is not like I am asking you to watch him the whole day!"
If Suzie asks herself "whose problem is this?" it is clear it is not hers, therefore it is not for her to solve. If Suzie cannot give a whole-hearted "yes," she needs to say "no" otherwise she'll find it hard to be kind and loving to little Bobby. Suzie doesn't need a good excuse to say "no." Her obligation is to stay centered in her Authentic Self. She needs to stay in the flow of her own life, and right now she needs self-care.
If Nadine is a true friend she will not "play the guilt card" to get Suzie to sacrifice her own needs to please her. Suzie is doing nothing wrong by saying "no." She is honoring her own needs for self-care. If she feels guilty, it is unearned guilt. If one of them is going to be unhappy, why should it be Suzie?
When you think about agreeing to something ask yourself :
1. Is this my problem to solve?
2. Will I feel resentful if I say yes?
3. What is my life calling me to be or do that agreeing to this will interfere with?
It requires courage to take charge of your life and live On Purpose as your Authentic Self. But, then, that is the spiritual journey, isn't it?
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Jennifer T. Grainger, B.Msc.,Spiritual Growth Coach & Mentor, Founder of
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