don't think anyone would argue about how challenging the teen years can be for both teen and parent, but why?
Well, there are many reasons and I want to share one with you - transitions
The teen years contain some of the most important life transition stages, i.e., school - college and school - work. These transitions cause stress for the teens as they search for a new sense of balance in their lives.
Let me explain how this works.
Any transition has three stages and, start to finish, can take three years.
These stages are System, Stress and Balance.
System
We live, whether we like it or not, in systems - family systems, work systems, society systems, and each system has it's own goals and interests, which may not necessarily be the same as the individual's goals and interests. For a teen, this means that they have grown up with a family system, a family and parents that have their own goals and interest. As a child gains abstract thought (approx. 13 years) they begin to question this system and the goals and interests within it. The family system is a closed circle of relationships that has it's own history, rules, roles and customs. As teenagers begin to separate the system-self from their true selves, rebellion and conflict happen. To know which of the family's systems the teen wants to adapt, they have to test them.
Stress
The teenager's separation of the system-self to their true self causes them a huge amount of stress. The teenager begins to realise the increasing disparity between their system-self and their true self and does not know what to do about it. They begin to focus only in the short term, are driven by status symbols, have outer-directed priorities and have reactive decision making, which to an adult in the balance stage is hard for us to comprehend. In this stage, the teen is in a relentless rush, never stopping to catch their breath.
Balance
As the young person matures and begins to make sense of their system-self and true self and integrate the two, they reach balance, they know who they are and what they are good at. They are more focused on the long-term, they have meaning and are inner-directed.
Future Direction, my five-session coaching programme, is set up to deal with this transition and give teenagers the real and practical advice and support they need at this time in their lives.
Lets give you an example and take Aaron (16) who came to me six months ago. His parents were deeply disappointed that he would not join the army and that he appeared so unhappy. Aaron's Dad and Grandad had both been in the forces and it was assumed that he would do the same (a family system). Aaron, however, had no intention of doing this; he realised that this was not what his true self wanted and he was rebelling against the system - he was in stress. On completing the Highlands Ability Battery, it became obvious that Aaron was creative, an artist and a true introvert, none of which were a good match for the army.
As I began to work with him, it became clear that Aaron wanted to own his own business and he had a keen interest in graphic design, which suited his ability pattern. His gift was in translating thoughts, ideas and words into image. Together, we worked on his communication and devised Strategies for him to speak to his parents about this and break away from the family system. Aaron is due, In September, to start at college, studying graphic design and business and his parents are delighted that he is happy and content. Aaron is moving towards Balance.
Of course, this system is not exclusive to the teen years. Throughout our life we are likely to experience this kinds of transition seven more times. Lets just hope that we don't have households with teens and parents going through the same transition at the same time - now that would be one great big challenge!
Information based on Don't Waste Your Talent - Bob McDonald and Don Hutcheson
