Balancing Act - Living With an Abuser
by Nora Penia
Years ago I saw a variety act on TV where a man spun plates balanced on top
of thin poles. He'd get several going, set up a new one, run back and
re-spin the first group, then repeat the cycle. Running back and forth,
focusing only on keeping the plates spinning, he became frantic. He could
only balance so many plates before some would start wobbling and crash. When
he eventually lost control, all the plates came crashing down.
Sometimes life feels like that. It's even worse for people dealing with an abusive mate.
Life becomes a balancing act. Some people liken it to walking a tight rope,
where the smallest false move can cause a fall. Others describe it as having
to 'walk on eggshells', very carefully lest they break.
Focusing on keeping the peace can prevent one from taking a good look at the
relationship. There isn't time and if you stop, some of those plates will
fall. So you go on. Getting through life one day at a time, and sometimes, a
minute at a time. Abusers are like puppet masters, pulling strings,
directing the actions and reactions of 'his' puppets.
Sometimes subtly, sometimes dramatically. (I'll use both
gender pronouns, since abusers can be either sex.)
Take conversation. With most people it is an exchange of ideas and
information, whether regarding business, opinions, dreams or other personal
information. With an abuser, conversation is war. Innocent comments become
challenges, simple questions become inquisitions, and requests become
demands.
To an abuser, the simple question: "How was your day?" becomes: "What have
you been doing all day? Have you done something you shouldn't have? Who did
you talk to?" And the abuser reacts to what was 'heard' instead of what was
said. "I don't have to tell you what I do. It's none of your business."
Some abusers walk around waiting for someone to criticize them or defy one
of the 'rules' so they can blow up. They usually hold this in until they are
with someone they have a 'right' to yell at - spouse or kids. The effect of
this walking time bomb is that the very people who should be treated the
best get the full force of the anger simmering inside. Is it because the
abuser has low self esteem and feels inferior, so that he/she feels everyone
is critical of him, picking on her? Or does the abuser get a rush of power
when he finally blows up, 'asserting' himself, 'not taking it anymore'?
Abusers are complicated people. Well, aren't we all? But an abuser is even
more so. It's almost impossible for a spouse to discuss anything with an
abuser without getting in trouble. Sometimes it feels as though it's better
to keep quiet. And that may be exactly what the abuser wants. That way it
isn't necessary to justify his self-centered views. That way he doesn't have
to be bothered by requests for his time or money. The abuser can do what she
wants, come and go without answering to anyone.
But, just to keep the victim off guard, every now and then the abuser will
criticize even the silence and meek acceptance the victim uses to keep a low
profile. So, in the end, there's no winning with an abuser. No matter what
is done, the abuser sees it as the wrong way to behave and will use it as an
excuse to vent anger.
Living with an abuser calls for extreme balancing skills. Most people who
live with an abuser realize that it is necessary to think through every
action and word. Not knowing how the abuser will react keeps the victim off
balance, more vulnerable to the abuse. The unpredictable behavior of an
abuser keeps the victim confused. This works to the abuser's advantage,
since confusion makes it very difficult to make a decision, especially one
as
difficult as whether or not to leave a relationship.
About the author
The author is an educator who has worked with abuse victims for15 years. Her
suspense novel called Invisible Chains, is available at Amazon and other
bookstores. Her website, At the Fence, deals with real life issues and can
be found here: http://www.atthefence.com
