To you, your ex may seem like the devil incarnate. Your kids could end up feeling the same way about him / her if you're not careful. Then they won't want to visit. You may think that is enough reason to keep them from the other parent, but unless the situation is extreme, the court won't agree.
Young children are frequently upset when they are forced to change their routines. When their other parent shows up at the door and drags them away from their familiar surroundings, they might cry and act like their world is coming to an end. This behavior doesn't necessarily mean that they are afraid. It just means they aren't sure what to expect, or why they are being made to leave without the parent they are most used to. A child's fear will often vanish as soon as he / she is distracted by new surroundings.
From a judge's perspective, it is far too easy for the custodial parent to add to the child's natural initial reluctance to leave home by showing his / her own unhappiness. It is easy for a child to pick up on an adult's misgivings. A child is inexperienced, and can easily mistake the custodial parents anger with the other parent as a reason to be scared of him / her. It is doubtful that a judge will believe a child is in danger with the visiting parent unless there is solid proof.
Parents who want to make visitation a positive experience for their kids can help by hiding their own misgivings. A child takes his cue from the custodial parents verbal and non-verbal assessments of the other parent. He / she will be apprehensive about the other parent if he / she senses that the custodial parent does not regard him / her highly. . If you say, "you have to go to your mother's this weekend or I'll get in trouble with the court," you are telling your child he /she has reason to be apprehensive and nervous while he / she is with the other parent. If you say, "Hey, you get to go to your dad's this weekend," you are letting the child know you think he / she is about to have fun.< If your frown lines manifest every time you expect the other parent to appear, it is like telling your child "you have every reason to be concerned. You could be in real danger. If you can treat the other parent with courtesy, if not enthusiasm, the child is going to be less apprehensive about visiting.
If it is possible, the non-custodial parent should have more frequent visits. If the child sees the other parent more often, he / she won't feel so strange going home with him / her. Short but frequent visits during the week will make the child's transition into weekend stays easier and should be considered if work schedules permit.
There are two sides to every divorce, yours and "Butt Head's". As an attorney, I have heard of many situations that would give me pause if I were obliged to turn my child over to that parent. Both parents have a right to contribute to the child's upbringing, and unless there is abuse, a judge is likely to insist that the non-custodial parent get his / her visitation.
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Lucille Uttermohlen has had 27 years of family law experience. For free information about the divorce process, visit Lucille at
http://www.couple-or-not.com .
