Her Empty Next Syndrome
By: Cathy Taylor | Posted: 11th March 2008
Being a caregiver is a natural part of what many mothers do for a
comprehensive period of their adult lives. So when it comes to an
end, as when children grow up and leave an 'empty nest' at home,
the transition can be painful and disorienting. Shone in a different
light, this time in a woman's life can be not so much an ending, but
a shift in where we focus our energy.
The empty nest experience is akin to, and often coincides with,
menopause which is another significant midlife change in and of
itself. Often women don't expect the emotional tsunamis that
accompany the journey simply because they have never been
there before. You don't have a clue what it will feel like, and once
you are in it, you can't believe somebody didn't warn you about
the ride.
Women report that their emotions are often raw and
overwhelming. So much of their identity has been wrapped up in
giving to and doing for others. Doing - for their husbands, life
partners, pets, parents and primarily their children. They cry easily
and profusely and spend quite a bit of time wondering, now what?
It marks a period of time when a woman enters into the 'second
half' of her life.
Exactly! And face first into all of those unanswered questions that
somehow are still waiting for her.
What do you do when there's no longer someone that needs you
to watch out after them, or is waiting for you to cook for them and
get up in the middle of the night when they are sick, help with their
homework or just do their laundry?
What do you want to do with the rest of your life? And the ever
present question - Who am I?
Whether you were a stay-at-home mom, or a women also juggling
a career alongside child-rearing, women wind up feeling like a
huge part of their lives is over. It can be emotionally devastating
and leave you feeling like you are at a significant crossroads in
your own life. If only you had known what lay ahead, you might
have planned differently. Or so you think.
A Midlife Crisis
There's a reason this part of your life is referred to as a crisis.
Crisis: a dramatic emotional or circumstantial upheaval in a
person's life. Midlife qualifies as a time when you desperately need
a good support system including family and friends.
Often while women are dealing with children leaving the home,
they are also dealing with concurrent issues such as:
· a career change
· starting a job for the first time
· divorce
· dealing with unacknowledged relationship flaws in their
marriage
· health problems including raging hormones, and
· aging parents who require more time and attention
How to Start to Make Sense of it All
Plenty of parents who have gone through the empty nest caution,
"Don't worry, they'll be back." So calm yourself with the knowing
that your children might have left home, but they will always be
your children. Acknowledge and accept that you will be guided to
your next purpose in life just as you have been guided through
today.
Be strong in considering what's best for your child's welfare and
don't get caught up in feeling sorry for yourself. They need
encouragement when they first venture away from home because
they will probably be afraid to admit how nervous and sad they
feel about this change in their lives. As much as part of you may
want them to come home, remember back to your own transition
and ask yourself, “What is best for this child?”
Stay in touch with your kids by phone and/or email. Arrange to
spend time with them as a family. Visit them on the weekend or
take them to lunch if you are close by and it is possible. When you
are feeling weak, reach out to your support system first, and avoid
the temptation to share your sadness with your child. The last
thing you want them to feel is guilty for leaving home.
Self-Esteem and Defining Who I Am
The inevitable fact about the empty nest is that if you haven't
faced your own growth issues, you won't be able to avoid them
now. One of the main characteristics about this midlife transition is
that it forces you to take a long, hard look at your life, backward
and forward. Where have you been and how do you feel about
your life so far? More urgently, just what comes next?
Plenty of women have discovered at this crucial time that they
have self-esteem issues they can no longer avoid. Like those extra
30 lbs you've conveniently kept on for all these years because
dealing with the kids was far more important. All of a sudden, YOU
are your first priority. And it probably feels strange because now
you are having thoughts about that class you always wanted to
take to learn to write or sing. Your untapped desires start flooding
to the surface and you need to sort through them.
Make this time of awakening a celebration. Now is the moment for
you to fulfill some of your lifelong dreams.
As in any other stage or moment in life, the most important thing
to remember is where you put your focus. Put your energy on
feeling good and enjoying new things. Send love to yourself and
your children every day. If you are showing signs of ongoing
trouble such as depression that will not go away, reach out for
help. There is help all around you.
About the Author
Occupation: Marketing
Cathy Taylor is a marketing consultant with over 27 years experience.
She can be reached at Creative Communications: creativecommunications@cox.net or by visiting www.howtoconquermenopause.com www.everythingmenopause.com,and www.everythingandropause.com
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Tags: period of time, homework, clue, emotions, laundry, stay at home mom, stay at home, many mothers, rest of your life, different light, second half, caregiver, menopause, unanswered questions, child rearing, crossroads, life partners