X signing in.
Yes, it's that time of year again. The time of year when people gleefully flush away loans and mortgages to pay for a mass of junk (aka presents) that no one really needs or wants; the time of year when vampires disguised as inebriated old men stand outside of department stores, ringing bells and shooting passersby a guilt trip-loaded glance, inducing victims to toss their hard-earned wampum into a bottomless pit; the time of year when aloof denizens perfunctorily spew vacuous platitudes like "Peace on Earth, good will to men" in the midst of unprecedented violence and hate; the time of year when corporations insidiously eploit the little guy's "holiday gene" to plunge him into the debt abyss of no return; the time of year when rabid shoppers literally run over the top of each other in a spectacle that makes Pamplona's running of the bulls look safe. Yes, indeed, it is Christmerce time.
Well, my fellow bah-humbuggers, if you share my disdain for this annual charade, you have come to the right place! You will not find any visions of sugar plums, mistletoe or eggnog here. No, in this sober oasis, you're going to get the straight, unadulterated dope on the farce that is it Christmerce. If you're one of those present-wrapping, candy cane-licking, Dickens-loving sentimental types, then hop on the nearest toy train and ride your way all the way to the opposite pole, because it's Yule-frying time!
First off, I think we should dispel the common misconception that Christmas was originally a purely religious tradition. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Christmas, "Christmas" is more of a pagan/Christian hybrid that was contrived by early Christians who just couldn't let go of that pagan ritual fun. Another brief, but historically accurate, explanation of this holiday's origin, can be found in this clip from the animated series, "The Boondocks": http://youtube.com/watch?v=yAgoTEQ7afM.
But you know what? The only thing I abhor more than the holiday itself, are the politically correct fascists who are attempting to squelch the free expressions of those who do enjoy the holiday. Just because I think it's a total farce and charade, doesn't mean I can't respect the rights of others to participate. I do not care what your religion is or is not, the simple phrase, "Merry Christmas", is not going to hurt you. They are just bloody words. It's a simple, incidental figure of speech that carries roughly the same meaning and weight of the robotic "have a nice day" regurgitated by fast-food employees. Those who use the phrase are not attempting to convert you to their religion, nor are they attempting to infect you with magic "Christian dust". (I won't even touch the "ho ho ho" being misconstrued for the "gangsta" slang for "whore", as I believe it is simply too absurd to even humor.) If you are so oversensitive and easily offended by the most innocuous forms of free speech, then, frankly, get an enima.
Before I sign off, I'd like to share with you a couple of carols from yours truly.
This one is called "Let 'Em Spend"
Oh the lines in Wal-Mart are frightful
But Visa's profits so delightful
And since they've no discipline
Let 'em spend! Let 'em spend! Let 'em spend!
Shoppers don't show signs of stopping
Even as their pockets keep dropping
The corporate feast shows no end
Let 'em spend! Let 'em spend! Let 'em spend!
When they finally see the light
How they will hate that credit report
With card debts rising out of sight
Their lives they will wish to abort
Cash registers start a frying
And, alas, they keep on buying
But as long as they're left to skin
Let 'em spend! Let 'em spend! Let 'em spend!
I can actually carry a tune, it just doesn't translate through the voice synthesizer.
Now, "Frosty the Hitman"
Frosty the Hitman
was a thug who no one dared,
with a Glock 22 and icy glare,
and threads that said beware.
Frosty the Hitman,
was a souless sneak, they say,
He was tough as grit
as he bit his lip,
leaving bodies where they lay.
There must have been some corpses in
that old knapsack they found,
for when they opened up the string,
there was blood and gore abound!
Oh, Frosty the Hitman,
was as cold as he could be;
and the fed suits say
he could clean and slay
just the same as Ted Bundy.
Frosty, expert as he can be,
see him mopping up dons!
Off he goes on an assassin spree
with his car-start bombs!
Frosty the Hitman,
knew the heat was on his trail,
so he said, "Flatfeet, I will not be beat,
'cause I know I can't get bail."
Racing down the highway,
with an Uzi in his hand,
Sprayin' fuzz with lead,
in a path of red,
sayin', "Damn, this life is grand!"
Kept at bay down the alley way,
there stood an Agent Breeze...
Frosty Knew 'twas life or death,
when the trenchcoat shouted, "Freeze!" Hmmm, Frosty the Hitmanreaped a grisly scene that day,As he chilled the guy, sayin', "I'll never fry; there are still contracts that pay."
Bah, humbug!
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